I don’t know about you, but I am highly romantic (I mean really off the scale!!), my favorite genre of movies is romantic comedies, even though they are predominantly all the same, with similar endings and storylines.
It’s embarrassing to even admit that (haha) I still can’t get enough.
Where does it come from?
I was born in the 1960s in a family where I didn’t have a sense of belonging. I was the only girl, first born, a twin and I had 3 younger brothers; it wasn’t very balanced, to say the least.
Without going into my whole story, I was deeply wounded by the conditioning within my family. I experienced emotional abuse and abandonment from my father, sexual abuse from 2 members of the family, and the trauma from the events that transpired. As well as the lack of connection with my father from birth, left me traumatized.
When things changed
It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, and a parent myself that I started to unpack my past and look more deeply into why I behaved the way I did and how the trauma and abuse had affected my life.
Being sensitive did not help my cause, I remember on many occasions that I would have a feeling of discomfort, yet I didn’t even know how to articulate it or why I was feeling it. I simply suppressed it and sort ways to escape the uncomfortable feeling. I was just part of a family where I always felt awkward, unwanted and invisible.
I know that sounds like victim talk, but back then I was a victim.
By the time I was 15 I started to binge drink and when I was 17, I had anorexia. At my lightest weight, I was 36kg. From 1981 -1983 at the prime age of 17-19 when I should have been having fun exploring life and myself, I was a mess. I was obsessed with food and determined not to eat it at the same time. This mental illness was with me for 2 years and I was one of the lucky ones who survived it.
Now I understand that it was a cry for help.
I was lost and very disconnected from myself and the world around me.
A work in progress
It has taken me years (it’s still a work in progress) to deconstruct the events of the past and gain an understanding of what I had been through and how it had shaped me as a person. I had put so many layers of stuff onto myself to avoid feeling the hurt and pain that I had suppressed.
I wasn’t capable of having a truly meaningful, deep and connected relationship with another person because I just couldn’t connect. I spent a lot of money visiting psychologists over a 10 year period. I did learn some key things that assisted with my healing process, however, I came to realise that the advice that was being offered was of an intellectual nature and my issues were of an emotional nature.
It was at this point that I started my journey into Yoga on a deeper level and subsequently turned the focus inwards. In my experience yoga has been paramount in deepening my self-awareness and gaining a greater understanding of who I truly am.
Donna, the person is so much more than my experiences. Today I truly understand this, and I have come to realise that I am not my story.
The things that happened to me, that shaped me and influenced my thoughts and actions don’t define me. I can now step back and see them as events for growth and at times I have been able to view them as blessings, I no longer feel stuck.
Love, Grace, and Gratitude